Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

The first part of this passage is how I'm feeling today. My baby would have been due one month from today. Signs of spring are all around me, signs of fresh life. I'm saddened that our family will not be blessed with a new little life this spring. I had always wanted a May baby.

Where I work we have a morning devotion and prayer time prior to class starting each day. One of my co-workers is going to be a first time grandma. She was all excited yesterday because her daughter-in-law sent her a text message saying that she had just felt the baby move for the first time. This morning, however, was a different story. They found out yesterday that there is something wrong concerning the placenta. There will be a 2 week wait for the results of some testing. My co-worker is devastated. While our staff was praying this morning, I just started crying. I felt bad about her grandbaby, and I just missed my baby. The ladies I work with are wonderful, and we all rally around each other in times of trouble. I received a lot of good hugs. I didn't hug my co-worker who had the sad news because I think we knew it might have caused us both to fall apart even more. We work together on Tuesdays and Thursdays and needed to keep it together for our students. The same thing happened with us the week I had my miscarriage. Her brother died suddenly that week, and I told her, "I'd give you a hug, but I think we'll both just lose it if I do."

The funny thing, however, is that even though I work with little kids, it doesn't bother me to be around them. Once they come through the door, I can put aside my own sadness, concentrate on their needs, and enjoy them. We even had one of our moms go into labor today and that doesn't bother me. I'm happy for her.

Last night I prayed to God about the second half of the above passage. I really feel there is another child or children out there for me. I don't feel that it is a biological child. (Due to my age, but I know God can do whatever He wants!) I'm just not sure if it's the kids I work with, or the boy I sponsor in Brazil, or even an adopted child. I prayed for the wisdom to know what it is He has planned for me in this area of my life.

I hope no one out there in blog land thinks I'm being selfish and ungrateful since I already have two wonderful children. I just feel as if someone is missing, and I had this feeling even before my last pregnancy. When my oldest son was 6 or 7, he said to me, "Mommy, the next time you have a baby I want to be at the hospital." I told him that I didn't think I'd be having another baby. A moment later he said, "Yes you will because Jesus told me." That comment has always stuck with me and here's the reason why. I had an older brother that was diagnosed with a brain tumor when he was 5. One day my mom caught him writing out his will, and she was so upset that she ripped it up. He just looked at her and said, "Don't worry Mommy, you'll have another baby." I was born almost 13 months after he died.

Another thing that has always made me in awe of God is how I used to mention to my husband that for some reason I wanted to learn sign language. But I didn't know anyone who was deaf! Then my second son was born and diagnosed as being hearing impaired when he was 2 1/2. I did have to learn some sign language to use with him as a preschooler. These experiences have taught me to keep my eyes, ears, mind and heart open to God so that I can better understand where He is leading me.

I have rambled on for a good long time today. My boys will be home from school very soon and it will be time for me to be Mom. I pray that each of you have your longings fulfilled!